Gospith was an 19th century vampire but he wasn’t a very good one. In fact he was hopeless. He wasn’t even born a vampire & didn’t require human blood to sustain his being.

It all started when a vampire bat flew into him in the street, scratching his neck. The bat was fleeing an irate cat which had clawed him thus passing its genes onto the bat and from there into Gospith.

Gospith thought nothing of it but after a few days he became very pale, lost a ridiculous amount of weight as he wouldn’t eat and started chasing the next door neighbours cat with great vigour.

His parents eventually took him to the Doctor who broke the news to them. Gospith was a vampire but not a normal vampire. He did not crave human blood, he craved cats blood. After his parents scratched their beards for a while his Dad said, “We’ll start a cattery!” This would be perfect. Until the cattery was established they would buy cats from cats homes for Gospith to viciously tear their heads off and suck the blood from them.

With his newly-found vigour, Gospith took to wearing colourful clothes, a top hat and black John Lennon styled sunglasses. He also took to wearing (badly applied) makeup to cover his pasty complexion. Everybody thought he was gay but he wasn’t. He wasn’t straight. He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t anything. He just ‘was.’ 

Gospith was a bit of a party goer. On party nights he would have an extra cat in order to ‘go the extra mile.’ He had time for everyone and everybody loved him. He had a joke, one-liner story for every occasion.

By day he would mince down the street, oblivious to the harsh realities of life. His mince was so pronounced he looked like he had a broken arse.

Then disaster befell Gospith. The Great Katyon outbreak of 1865. Katyon was a highly contagious disease picked up by cats and was….fatal! He paid no heed, figuring his Dads cattery would be safe. He was right. It was safe.

One day he spotted a cat up a laneway and he lost control of his senses. He grabbed it and bit its head off, only to find himself with a mouthful of fluff. It was a childs lost toy. The Police were called who in turn called an ambulance & Gospith was taken to the Psychiatric Ward. On being assessed his status as a vampire was established & released.

As Katyon Disease spread, Gospith couldn’t have his occasional extra cat. He was now so thin that some say he could barely be seen and had to be estimated….

To be continued….