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the-weight

I have been divorced for 15 years and have lived alone for the majority of them. Some 9 years ago the most bizarre thing (or things) happened to me. I started work at a new facility. My partner was and is the most attractive, intelligent, compassionate and humorous person that I have ever met. Until that point I did not believe in love at first sight. I do now. We formed a  very close bond very quickly. I’m not the type at all but I wanted to seduce her as well. It was both mental and physical….and there is a factor that we  can’t explain.

I sensed it was a two way street. She soon confirmed this by telling me how she felt about me. I told her I felt that way too. She was both surprised and delighted but they were stuck between a rock and a hard place re. her being married. It took us all of their strength to keep tour hands off each other. We talked about it all the time. We couldn’t explain how it happened. We couldn’t believe the strength of the bond. It almost hurt. Only humour saved us.

I got transferred to a higher position 11 months later….but it was in a different town. We were devastated. In the car park after my last shift, we broke down. We broke down then embraced for an eternity, none of us caring if anyone saw us or not.

For the next 8 years we emailed each other daily. From her emails I wasn’t 100% sure if she was still in love with me. My fear of rejection prevented me from asking her. Our emails were both deep and humorous with definite romantic undertones. Just recently I sensed that she wasn’t travelling well. I emailed her and  asked. I got no reply. I sent 3 emails a day for 3 days then figured, ‘Maybe she needs some space.’ I was right. Having said this I sure felt like I was carrying a weight.

2 days later I received an email from her apologising for not writing back sooner but all of the hustle and bustle of  Xmas and New Year got on top of her. I wrote back a reassuring and encouraging letter. Instantly we were back to our daily emails. By  the end of the month….and I think it was brought on by my recent concern for her….I decided to tell her that I still felt the same way about her.

I didn’t jump straight in. I warned her. I started by saying that I wanted to say something to her but I’m scared….and I was. Petrified. I was carrying a heavy weight. The build-up took 8 emails each over 8 days. When I came to writing the email it was 11.55am. I was my normal humorous self but spoke of our bond. I said everything except, “I love you.” I spent the rest of the day pacing the house, smoking heavily, going on Facebook and trying to write.  An hour passed. No email. 2 hours passed. The same. I kid you not, dear reader, it was the longest 4 hours of my life

It came to just after 4pm and it arrived. She had been at work. I was a nervous wreck as I opened it. I read it, mentally hearing her voice. Her sentiments echoed mine and she referred back to our time at work, the strength of our bond and how we still couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t contain myself but I couldn’t write back immediately as I was shaking so much. I had 3 cigarettes instead and went and laid down, reflecting on her response and working out my next letter. 3 hours flew past. I got  up and it was just after 7pm.

I wrote my letter diplomatically except on 2 occasions I wrote, “I LOVE YOU!!!” She wrote back and did everything except say that she loved me. She spoke in past tense. I wrote back this morning around 8.30am it is now just after 4pm. She may be at work.

We have communicated in public on Facebook today but she hasn’t opened my reminder inbox letters re. my email. (We always alert each other to emails that way). She is also able to quickly zip onto Facebook at work. I have my suspicions that she’s trying to word her next email. Again, I am pacing, smoking and going onto Facebook. Again, it’s a weight.

She has recently started work 3 minutes from my house. She promised me that she will visit after work for a coffee and a chat….and obviously hysterical laughter. She said once I had settled her down post Xmas that it was in the bucket list. That day can’t come soon enough. She has her own life to live. All I’ve been dealing with is missing her presence for 8 years.

I think that this only serves to make the weight heavier. Cross you fingers for me, dear reader. I have never felt like this before.

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