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jesus

Jesus woke up one morning after having a dream where someone kept telling him, “They’r gonna crucify me.” 30 minutes later his dream became a reality. There was a gentle knock on the door and a Roman walked in. He politely said to Jesus, “You’re being crucified today. We head off in an hour” The Roman was polite.

As Jesus and a few others headed off to be crucified he asked for a mug of water A Roman offered him a mug of water He promptly turned it into wine and drank the lot. With this ability and about to be crucified, who wouldn’t. He would then ask ask for a mug every 10 yards. The Romans were sympathetic to those about to  be crucified, even though they were ‘supposed’ to  hate them there was the occasional sympathetic Roman.

Pretty soon, Jesus had to relieve himself. He would  ask a kindly Roman if he could use a side street to urinate in. After a while….and several mugs of wine, Jesus gave up on the idea of side streets and would just wet himself in public. “Look at that,” said one onlooker. They’ve reduced our Saviour to wetting himself in the street. It’s a disgrace.” The crowd began to chant, “Go Saviour! Go Saviour! Go Saviour.” One man up the back yelled, “You show ’em Christey!” A man next to him cuffed him around the back of the head and said, “Don’t call  him that. He’s out Saviour. Show some respect, homey.” The man apologised and said that he just got caught up in the moment.

As those on their way to be crucified were nearing the end of their journey, Jesus was beginning to buckle at the knees. A Roman took his crucifix down and told him to  have a rest. The truth was that Jesus was nearly paralytic and could barely stand up. The crucifix wasn’t the issue here. It was made of balsa wood and only  weighed 4kg.

When they finally made the crucifixion site, they were hauled up one by one. By this stage Jesus was feeling no pain while the others screamed as the nails were hammered in. When Jesus was hauled up he said, “What a brilliant view! I can see everything from up here….and I can see two of it. Jesus was so drunk that he was seeing double.

The rest of those being crucified, understandably, weren’t so cheery. Jesus decided to cheer them up by singing sea shantys. This had a limited effect. After 30 minutes the others had died of the repetition and boredom.

After 5 days the head Roman came up to the site and said, “What can we do about this Jesus dude? We can’t spear him, stab him or feed him to the lions. That wouldn’t sit well in the Bible. Not a good look.” A young Roman piped up, “Why don’t we put him in a pitch black cave and kill him from sensory deprivation? Works a treat I hear.”

The Romans found a nearby cave and threw Jesus in. Thee found a boulder to seal it off.  The boulder was the exact same shape as the Easter Bunny. So THAT, dear reader, is where the Easter  Bunny comes from. Not from your supermarket. Little did the Romans know that the boulder was also made of chocolate. Jesus loved chocolate and sniffed out the chocolate ‘door’ in no time.. He seat about eating his way out of the cave and in doing so doubled his body weight to 60kg. (Jesus was a small man).

As the Romans assumed Jesus’ death was a done deal, they didn’t bother guarding the cave. Jesus began walking. He soon found himself on Highway 61. He had been there before. It was somewhere he had revisited. After walking for 3 years he found a cup by the side of  the  road. “Brilliant!” he yelled. “Now all I need is water.” He scoured each side as he continued on his way eventually finding a small stream that ran in parallel by Highway 61. Jesus proceeded to turn the water into wine and the inevitable happened but what happened next totally sideswiped him.

As he was filling his cup, he heard a voice coming from the revisited highway. He looked up to see a slight figure dressed in black and wearing sunglasses. He ran back up to the road and gleefully introduced himself. “Hi. I’m Jesus!” The small man introduced himself as Bob Dylan. Jesus asked Dylan where he was going. Dylan said, “Bleeker Street, New York but I don’t have to be there until 1966.” Jesus said, “That’s ages away. What do you do for a living, Bob?” Dylan said, “I’m a songwriter.” Jesus excitedly asked Dylan if he would do a son for him. “Sure,” said Dylan and mumbled his way through ‘Ballad Of A Thin Man.’ The song made no sense to Jesus so he asked Dylan to explain it for him. The explanation took 9 days, copious amounts of wine and it still made no sense.

Dylan pulled out a piece of paper and filled it with a green, plant-like substance. “What’s that?” asked Jesus. “Cannabis,” replied Dylan. “Have a puff. I’ll show you. Dylan had a puff and handed it to Jesus who had an awkward puff. Jesus levitated and everything made sense. Dylan continued to smoke cannabis every hour or so. Their conversations became very cerebral and lateral. “What are  those you’re wearing?” said Jesus pointing at Dylans eyes. “Sunglasses. Cannabis gives you red eyes and the sunglasses cover them. It’s illegal in 1966.

Since discovering cannabis, Jesus gave up drinking. He was sick of wetting himself at random and being inaproppriately cheerful. He preferred the more cerebral conversations that cannabis offered.

As predicted by Dylan, the pair arrived on Bleeker Street in 1966.  Dylan took Jesus to a coffee shop called the Black Jug. The Black Jug was a ‘hip’ place to be seen at by all of the famous poets. On entering the venue, Dylan was greeted by Allen Ginsberg, Michael McClure and Jack Kerouac. Dylan introduced Jesus to the three then quickly took him to a shop to buy sunglasses as his eyes were blazing red.

Jesus kept them entertained for a week then figured that he should go look for work. Thinking on his feet, Jesus asked the barman if there was any work. The barman said, “Can you pour wine?” Jesus replied, “Pour wine? I can make the stuff.” The barman replied, “That’s right. You’re Jesus. Silly me. Come and show me.” Jesus leapt over the bar and poured a glass of water which promptly turned into wine. The barman said, “”You’re hired.”

As part of the  deal, Jesus was provided with a single room upstairs and permitted a 30 minute break every 2 hours. During this break, Jesus would smoke some cannabis and chat with  the customers.

As Dylan, Ginsberg, McClure and Kerouac moved on from  the Black Jug, Jesus spent more and more time with the customers. It was costing the owner nothing after all. By the 1970s the Black Jug was re-named to reflect the popularity of the conversations of Jesus. It was re-named The Jesus Inn.

Had Bob Dylan not put Jesus onto cannabis, none of this would have happened.

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