I walked into the party like I was walking onto a yacht. After a one-eyed glimpse of myself in the mirror the first thing that I was was a one-legged man juggling six crows. “Murder!” I yelled. A policeman in the corner approached me and promptly arrested me. He took me to the station but didn’t charge me. He just said, “Walk.” So I did.

I walked straight home and went to my bedroom. In my bed was my wife with another pillow. ‘This can’t be right,’ I thought. My wife left me when she was four years old. I closed my eyes and the magically vanished. I opened my eyes and there they were again. I did this several times with the same result. In desperation I jumped out of the window. Luckily my house is on the ground floor.

I made my way down to Baker Street. Part of the way down the street was Gerry Rafferty singing his heart out. I continued walking. Further on I saw Sherlock Holmes playing his violin at a man on the ground. The man had his fingers in his ears.. Eventually the man died. Holmes then crossed the road where Doctor Watson was waiting. He found it elementary as a diamond dog scurried off in the background.

I then turned to the right and walked into a brick wall, giving myself a nasty bump on the head. I walked further on before turning onto Ginger Street where I saw Elvis leave a building. As he approached I said, “Good evening.” He replied, “Thank you very much” and proceeded to eat an elephant.

By the time I arrived home my bed was as it should be. I was awoken at 6am by loud chattering outside of my window. It was Jack and the Beanstalk but Jack was nowhere to be seen. The beans wouldn’t  shut up! I thought that I was going mad so I called  for an ambulance. I was right. The ambulance officer said, “You’re mad.”

I was taken to the nearest asylum and placed in a padded cell with Elvis who was dead. Elephant overdose apparently. Not that I would wish anyone dead, I was glad that Elvis was. The last thing that I needed was someone yabbering at me. I don’t know how long I was in there for but I was arrested for taking too long.

I unsuccessfully defended myself in court and was sentenced to 400 life sentences on Desolation Row.

My only concern with this was if those beans would still be chattering on my release.